Trip to Pic N Save with a happy ending!

All of us have those stories of getting angry at people when we are at the store or whatnot doing something while our child has an epic meltdown. I have come home furious many times and I have also made comments to people in stores many times when they have given me dirty looks when Grace is screaming. Today we had what I like to call an epic meltdown. You know what I talking about! The one where she is screaming so loud and so hard you can hear her, where you have learned to face her away from you so she cant hit and kick you. Grace was also trying to bite me, but was tensing her whole body so hard that it was obvious to everyone she was MAD!! She doesnt have these to often anymore, although lately we have been seeing more and more of them. What set her off? We were in the car cart, and she kept trying to push Emma out, so I took her out. For those of you who havent dealt with an epic tantrum, let me just say, this is not a 2 year old just angry about not getting her way (hence the word epic! lol). After I finished checking out and managed to get out of the store, I got Grace in the car and strapped in. I was just getting the groceries to put in the car when I saw a woman walking out. Of course, right away I thought, oh great here we go. She was obviously walking towards me. Then she came up and told me she wanted to commend me for how I acted in there! Instantly I teared up and thanked her and explained Grace was autistic and when she gets worked up, just doesnt have the skills to calm herself down. The woman told me she was so happy with how I responded and that I hung in there. WOW! I think it was worth the meltdown to hear someone give me a positive response for once! There was no judging and no telling me what I should be doing, just acknowledging a tough situation and thanking me for how I handled it. That woman was definitely a blessing for me today! :)

What pregnancy and mothering books fail to tell you!

Congratulations! Your pregnant! You've joined the ranks of about 75% of the women I know right now, including me! Is it just me, or does it seem like the whole world is pregnant right now? This is my third time around, so I figure by now I know what I am doing (insert mocking laugh here!). You know those annoying people who constantly chirp in "Every pregnancy is different" EVERY time you make a comparison between one pregnancy and another? Well unfortunately, even though you may want to slap them, they are right. Children (and pregnancy) are like snowflakes, there are just no two alike. That being said, there is still some common info that can help (or might be nice to know) regardless of the number of pregnancy you are on or how many kids you have, as well as just some random tips I have learned along the way!

1. The more kids you have the sooner you can expect to experience everything.

You are likely to feel the baby move sooner, begin to show as much as a month earlier, and feel fatigue much more intensely. Your body remembers what it is supposed to do now, so it will much quicker to make changes. Your uterus doesnt shrink completely back to the size it was before each pregnancy, allowing to change quicker. Your abdominal muscles can also be weaker from already being stretched out and as a result you may carry lower with each pregnancy. Every woman is different so while many women will experience this, not all women will.

2. No one wants to subscribe to the pregnancy channel 24/7!

I am ecstatic to be pregnant (when I am not hanging my head over a toilet at least!). I am sure that you are happy for me that I am pregnant, but I promise you, I am WAY happier I am pregnant than you are about it! It is easy for women to get caught up in gushing about everything from their morning vomit session, to the weird thinks leaking from their body. Unfortunately, the rest of the world does not want to hear it! If you are like me and want to find a way to talk about it, write a blog, talk to another pregnant friend, talk to a stuffed animal. Just try to remember your friends are excited about the changes in your body, but they dont want to talk about it all the time. It is also very important to remember, we dont know everyone's situation. Someone may be struggling to get pregnant, and it could be very insensitive to make them hear all about yours.

3. Once you have a kid pregnancy goes to a whole new level.

Take some advice from a wise old woman (ok, maybe I am young and dumb, but I DO know this!), it is NEVER going to be a breeze being pregnant and caring for your kid you already have. When I was pregnant with my first daughter, my best friend and I use to go hang out with friends every weekend, work 40+ hours (we worked in a factory all summer with NO AC and I was lucky enough to work at a machine that put the plastic on the cardboard to hold pieces on, how hot do you think THAT got!) getting up sometimes at 4 am for work and staying up till 10 pm at night. I was able to lay down whenever I had down time and take a nap if I wanted, so I would keep up a hectic schedule. When I found out I was pregnant with my second I had 4 foster sons (twin infants, one not quite 2, and a 14 year old boy) as well as Emma who had just turned 2. Not only did I not get naps during the day, I also did not get sleep at night! Common sense kicked in quickly and we stopped fostering. Even with just 1 child to care for, I found my second pregnancy much more tiring, not mention I puked for 9 months straight! If you have a friend who is pregnant with a second or third, be a cool friend give them a break once in a while, even though they may not realize they need it, they do! There are a lot more demands being put on your body than you may realize. I know I find myself hormonal and exhausted, and I am only 7 weeks into my pregnancy!

4. Really I promise, NO 2 pregnancies are the same.

My first pregnancy, you would not have known I was pregnant. I rode horses, bikes, and rollerbladed all throughout my pregnancy. My best friend and I played full court tennis (yes that includes running!) 3 days before I went into labor! After having my Emma, I am pretty sure you could have gone cave exploring in the rip she left behind. It took me weeks to recover! Lets fast forward to baby #2 (also sometimes called Grace ;). I think all I saw for 8 months straight (it started around 4 weeks) was the inside of my toilet or whatever bowl was closest to me to grab! I carried 2 kinds of medication at all times, and my husband use to have to come home multiple times a day to help change diapers and get my medicine if I had not gotten to it quick enough. I pulled every ligament in my stomache and use to have to push her out of my ribs just so I could breathe. After I delivered Grace, I never even felt like I had given birth. I was chomping at the bit to go home the next morning, and my mom can attest to the fact I went right back to my regular schedule and felt completely fine. Now with baby #3, I notice differences from the other two already! I have WAY less morning sickness, but I find I am totally exhausted all the time, and much more hormonal than I was with the others. Let me give you a word of caution from a hormonal pregnant lady though, we dont really want to hear 15 times a day how all pregnancies are different, we are living it.... we know!

5. Delivery? Unless its a package.... I dont care!

Whether you are a first time mom or the octamom, you dont want to hear the delivery story of every woman out there! There is never a reason to get into the habit of sharing your horror story with the someone getting ready to have their own! No one wants to hear how you sneezed and popped out your kid (although it is fun to brag about being one of those!). If you are asked to share your story by all means share it, but please refrain from having to be "the one" who has to top everyone with their birth stories. Once you have had a kid, you know what to expect, it really doesnt change all that much!

6. What really happens after having your 2nd, 3rd child etc? Is it really different?

YES! No matter what you read in a magazing, about stretches, excersises, or whatever when you finally get the go ahead to have sex again, unless you have the grand canyon in your nether regions, it is going to be uncomfortable. It is also going to be different, and with every kid you have after it is going to change. It is just a fact of life. And finding the opportunity to actually even get to have sex? You can kiss goodbye the days of throwing your spouse on the closest flat surface and christening every room of your house. Most likely any flat surface will be covered with either dirty dishes or a leftover PB&J sandwich you made 3 days ago in a sleep deprived coma. It is very normal for your sex life to take a back seat, but just dont let it hang out there to long. Babies, toddlers, and older kids make demands on your life. It is hard to juggle all of that and find time for your spouse too. We all get sucked into the problem of defining ourselves by our kids. How can you not when every three hours you have one hanging from a boob while one or two more are asking you to read to them, change their diapers, help with homework, make something to eat, settle an argument, and we havent even looked at the house work yet! Is it the most frustrating thing you will ever do? Most likely, but in the end it will make you happier than you have ever been. Just remember, your marriage is just as important as your kids, and if you dont make time for that, then everything else gets 10X harder. Who cares if there is laundry or your house isnt perfect. Taking an hour after the kids are in bed to just sit and talk to your spouse will more than make up for all of that!

Having kids is a lot of work, and we all have our own opinions. I managed to write an entire blog post on mine! I am guilty of not following my own rules all the time, and I am glad the people around are still able to put up with me, your friends will to, but remembering a few tips may make them enjoy the time with you a little more!

I was blind, but now I see!

So, today was the BIG day! I finally picked up my glasses! Please remember I worked all day before I took this picture and be kind! :)

 

 



While I was at the eye doctor the person helping me brought me my glasses and warned me before I put them, it would be a big difference! As I put them on, a world I never even knew was fuzzy came in to focus! The doctor went on to say, my brain was so used to working to compensate for my vision, it would take up to a week to adjust to my glasses while my brain learned it didn't need to work so hard. I will likely experience headaches throughout the week and should be aware of that.

The first thing I did was look at my phone and realize that there are dots in the background of my phone I never saw before! I giggled as I drove back to work realizing how different everything looked, and yet it was all the same.

On my way home, I actually stopped the car for a moment when I realized that God was speaking to me in SUCH  a profound way suddenly! How like our relationship with God, was my experience today?

Things I never knew were fuzzy came into focus. How often do we go through life without realizing the effect our choices and actions have. Suddenly, when a magnifying glass is shined on us, we see the things we thought were insignificant as having a huge impact on our lives! How often do we wander aimlessly unaware of the plan for us, until God brings it into focus and we suddenly have clarity!

My brain is learning it doesn't need to work so hard. First of all, God made us so wonderfully! My brain is so advanced and intricate, it has been working twice as hard to compensate for my struggling to see. It worked that much overtime to get me through to where I didn't even realize how much it was working! HOW much does God do for us that we don't realize?!?!? Need an example? I have one! I completed my internship, and continued working at a residential facility. I believed (and still do!) God put me there to learn some pretty big lessons about life. I worked SO hard there and drifted a lot in my relationship and focus of God. Yet, through all of it, God protected me! I was injured several times while there, applied for supervisor positions several times and never got them. All of those times, I thought I was working hard, but God was working even harder to prepare me for the next step in my life! Here I am now, a social worker, in a fantastic job! I didn't need to worry, stress, and overwork myself, I just needed to allow God to do His thing!

I will likely experience headaches (pain) while my brain learns to work less (let go). Have you ever let go of something in your life that wasn't a painful process? I haven't! A part of the process of letting go, is pain. Pain for what we should have done, pain for the loss of what is gone, pain for a different way. That doesn't mean that pain is a bad thing. People in general need to learn to handle a little more pain in their lives. When a cut heals, its painful. Its a part of the process. There is a lot that has changed in my life lately. Along with the changes is pain. Its a sad thing to change things. That doesn't mean I wont experience joy and clarity (just as my eyesight will be more clear!), it just means it will be that much more sweeter!

God speaks to us in many different ways. Sometimes its a clear cut moment. It may be something you look at later and go, "well duh!" but sometimes, He reminds of those moments for many different reasons. I am sitting here looking at my three beautiful kiddos, one is sick on the couch whining, one is crying about a dramatic part of the movie, and the other is trashing my kitchen with noodles (yay for spaghetti night!) in an attempt to "clean the dishes". In this moment, I don't see the mess, the tears, or the whining. I see the love and joy I have for my kids and the confidence they will one day be world changers for Jesus! In this moment, like my eyesight, I have clarity.

Baptized!

So, this past year something has started in me, and while I still don't know all of it, I just wanted to share it with you! This past winter I did what is called a Sozo session (For more information or to find out if YOU should do one, click here. Our church also does sozo sessions right here locally if you want to do one!). For a long time I felt like God just wasn't speaking to me. I never realized I might not be listening! I desperately wanted to hear God, but felt I wasn't. During a sozo session can be very personal so I wont share all the details, but I want to share one huge part of what I got out of it. I had been hearing God's voice all along, but I had allowed myself to grow accustomed to ignoring it. That little voice in my head had been ignored by me for so long that I convinced myself it was me just "thinking" and not God. Finding that connection to God again has been amazing! I have found myself growing in my spiritual walk with God incredibly! Slowly but surely I have been working to respond to that voice. Our relationship is a two way street. Since God is ALWAYS waiting with open arms, when we find ourselves distant, we need to evaluate what steps WE are taking to continue that relationship!

Well, to continue the story..... growing up I had never felt that getting baptized was a huge deal. I knew it was important, but I didn't feel like it was required, and I never felt strongly like I needed to do it. Then about 2 years ago, at our church picnic, I had SUCH a strong desire to get baptized! I ended up chickening out because for some reason I felt so uncomfortable about it. I thought about doing it a few times after, but again, something just never felt right. This past Saturday our pastor preached a GREAT sermon. A part of it was the importance of getting baptized. It just spoke to me! You can listen to Pastor Harvey's sermon here (ha ha, just kidding its not up yet, I will add it in at a later date! You can listen to other sermon's here). I still didn't do anything about it. I had to run home during the picnic that we do our batpisms this past Sunday. I was picking up life jackets for Grace and her friend. When I pulled in, I pulled into the wrong section and had a momentary panic where everyone was! It just hit me then, I wanted to be baptized! NO MORE WAITING! So I found the right section, they had already started, and no more worrying, or caring, as soon as they finished them I asked if we could do one more!

Of course I was an emotional wreck, so I think I strangled out something between crying about why, but of course, later, there is always so much more you want to say!

I was "saved" at an early age. There was never a time I questioned God's existence or if he was real. I never had some dramatic moment where I hated God. Looking back now, I just realized I never truly understood what it meant to be loved by God. To me, love always came with a price or a sacrifice. Usually a dream I had to give up. This past year, I have truly learned what it means to be loved by God and what to expect in love from others. It has been such an amazing experience! It doesn't mean it isn't without its troubles and bumps, but I have a friend right there along the way! It also means I will probably be saying a lot of Im sorry's, but a great thing about God is learning even in the conflict how to handle yourself. You can still stand up for yourself and honor God at the same time!

So, that was my day yesterday! It was a pretty good one :)

Fear

I will say, the last few days definitely threw me for a loop. Its amazing the violence that has occurred in the world. At first I was afraid. I actually almost brought Grace home with me when her teacher told me about Connecticut. Then I heard about China, and several other acts of violence that just made my blood run cold. I felt in the pit of my stomach fear. I made the decision to not add to the media frenzy and I will not repost any information on it. In my personal opinion, all that does is give attention to the horrendous acts that occurred and further traumatize families who simply need to grieve. I also will not blame parents, school, mental health issues, special needs, or anything else other than what this really was. It was an act of evil. I will say it again, this was a  horrible horrible act of evil. We are a world in need of God. Everyone feels it! We all have an aching and a longing and so we try to fill it. We fill it with alcohol, drugs, pornography, violent games and shows. We fill it with sin. And maybe for a short time we feel better. We cover up that ache with sin and darkness, but in that darkness that ache comes back even stronger. There is only one thing that will ever fill that darkness! You can point the finger at the need for gun control, the need for parents to raise their kids better, the need for better mental health options. I will point to my Bible and say here is your answer! We need to shine light in every corner of the darkness that we face! We need to fill that longing and that ache with Jesus, not with sin. Evil is in the world. In my short life I have certainly faced evil many times in my life. I have also cried out to Jesus to save me and He did!

I hope you will call me radical. I hope you will look at me as though I have lost my mind. That means that I am stepping out in my faith and telling you we need Jesus. Its so easy. He is right there with nothing but love and forgiveness! Take that ache we all feel deep inside and see that there is a release from it that is far more satisfying than anything we could ever find on this earth. I am taking that fear I have felt and placing it in God's hands. I will not walk in a public place and fear for my life or anyone else's. I will not fear when I drop my kids off at school. I will certainly hug them close, but no closer than I should hug them everyday. I will place them in God's hands and know that NO evil will touch my children ever. They have been bought and paid for with a price far greater than anything that this world could ever compare to.

My heart breaks as I read the news and see only pain and heartache. I see a world in need of a Savior. I am grateful that I know the ending of this story. I am praying that if you have not had an encounter with God, that you will have one today. I pray for each and every one of you to experience the love that only God can give. It transcends any addiction or worldly need you will have. It is a pure love, one that is not tainted by family problems, or the baggage of our lives. It takes that past and wipes it out! No condemnation, no finger pointing, no buts, and no throwing it in your face. It is a God who waits with open arms to take away your emptiness and fill it with a love that overflows to those around you.

I have seen evil, and I will pray for the families affected by it. I wont feed it though, and I wont fear it. I will stand in the power of a God who has already defeated evil and will continue to defeat it as long as there are people willing to call out to Him. Reach out to Him today and see the fullness that you will feel in your life!

Do you need a miracle?

Then Jesus said to him, Unless you see signs and miracles happen, you [people] never will believe (trust, have faith) at all. John 4: 48

     Do you ever feel like this is you? You want to believe but you just find yourself needing a sign of some sort, just something tangible to give you a reason to continue? I know I have felt that way and I certainly have struggled with it more lately. I see the heartache and frustration around me and it is not easy to continue on! I often wonder when I pray, does God hear me? I struggle with the feeling that I am not as "holy" as other people and so maybe God doesnt hear my prayers as much as other people, or maybe my prayers arent as powerful!

Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world. 1 John 4:1

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Hebrews 13:8

     I often find I have to actively remind myself those thoughts are lies from Satan. Yup, I said it! I believe Satan actively works to bring us down. I have struggled many times in my life with having to tell myself I AM good enough, I AM someone of worth and value. That is absolutely Satan trying to stop me from being an effective worker for the Kingdom of God. Not something I often run around saying, because I dont need affirmation of people, I only need the affirmation of God! I know that my prayers are just as effective as anyone else's, that there is no Holy Meter I have to measure up to before my prayers go to God. 

     So, how do we get past this need to see tangible proof? To be honest, I don't know that I have. The truth is, I HAVE seen those sign and those miracles. I think we all have at some point in our lives. When I feel those moments the most like God is around the least, I sit down and think about the times I HAVE seen miracles. 

And God did unusual and extraordinary miracles by the hands of Paul. Acts 19: 11

     I think we read these scriptures, and think, "yeah God did that back then". Pretty cool, though, God STILL does that! God does extradorinary miracles by my hand and you hand and your neighbors hand! I use to hear about the stories of groceries showing up on people's porches and a part of me was always skeptical, until the day came when diapers showed up on mine, or wipes. Or on a day when we didnt have any money for food, suddenly we had more than enough to get through! 

     We sometimes think to a miracle has to be some HUGE life changing moment. Some of the most life changing moments for me were not huge. One of the greatest moments of my life was sitting in a small chapel at Timber-lee pouring at anger and frustration to God about a hurt my father had caused my mother. In a small quiet instant, I forgave my Dad. If you ask me that was pretty miraculous! Holding my oldest daughter as an infant and being so tired I cant even see straight, crying, and just pleading with God to allow her to sleep, and she did. Any mom will tell you that absolutely is a miracle! 

     Sometimes, the greatest miracle of all is just believing even when you don't feel it. When you have a day like today when its a little harder to believe the good guy will always win. Its a day like today when I can sit here and say, maybe I dont feel like singing from the rooftops, but I still know God is God and He is who He is! Maybe a day like today, I don't feel the miracle, but it might be there after all!

God Rocks :)

God Rocks :) I have to say, while in my head I know that I do not need to worry or stress or fear anything because I have a God who will protect me, take care of me, and make my life way more and way better than I could ever do, that doesn't mean my heart felt it. Have you heard the phrase, fake it till you make it? Sometimes in life that is exactly how I feel! I know without a doubt that God is greater than any problem, it doesn't always mean I am running around jumping with smiles on my face. Sure, I have joy in my heart, but not always in the rest of me! The last few weeks have really taken a toll on me! I haven't been sleeping, I am struggling to try to fit in work, kids, a newborn, school, and cleaning my house! I pretty much feel like I have flopped at all of it! I have just felt so overwhelmed and unsure of everything. I feel like I am praying for peace that is just completely out of my reach. I know you have all felt the same way at times too! Ecclesiastes 3:1-9 is by far my favorite section of verses in the Bible. There is a time for everything and everything has its season. It is important to realize when we feel lost and alone that it is just a season. There is a time and purpose for all of it. I have kept on telling myself that, I know it in my heart, but it is just so hard to still walk around and not feel scared to death about whats going to happen next?

Then I had several thoughts today that just brought true smiles to my face and made me say Thank You God!

1. I have a 10 week old baby who has consistenly now slept till 5-7 am for almost a week!

2. All afternoon Grace was able to play without any meltdowns!

3. A big form of assistance we needed not only came through, but came through at 3x what I expected!

4. Hope has gotten on a great schedule and is proving over and over to be a very easy baby!

5. My husband loves me

6. God loves me!

7. I have a church family and friends! Not just friends that are casual friends, but real ones I call to tell the great and bad things about my life!

8. Emma got to come for the weekend and for the first time in a long time I was able to just spend some one on one time with her! She is an absolute joy, incredibly smart, and the most perfect daughter anyone could ask for!

9. See above and thats all my kids :)

10. Even though Grace is not an easy kid, because of her I have made some amazing friends and connections that allowed me to help other people as well!

And the best of all one yet :) It is easy to allow myself to separate from my emotions. I am quick to put up walls. On Saturday night I was reminded of something very very awesome and a moment in my life where God's presence was SO tangible I could just feel his arms around me!

When Emma was a baby, there was a phase (2ish months although really at the time it felt like forever!) where she would sleep 12 hours at night, but scream ALL day. The crappy thing was.... I was working 3rd shift! I actually would go 2-3 days at a time without getting any sleep. If you know me at all, let me tell you, thats not cool! I just flat out do not handle not getting sleep! I was literally at my wits end and completely ready to lose it. I would call Aaron (who lived in WA at the time) just bawling I was SO tired! I had just begun to attend church with an amazing woman of God who worked at Timber-lee. She really and truly changed my life! She passed away several years ago due to cancer, and I still think of her often! She took me out to lunch after church one Sunday. During the service she had recommended I take her up to the pastor and ask him to lay hands on her and pray for her. Something I had NEVER done, but I did it. Her and another friend were taking turns holding her so I could eat a meal in peace afterwards. I commented that she seemed to relax when Cathy had her and she must have the magic touch. Holly said to me, "Cathy is a prayer warrior, she is praying for Emma." Holly then walked me through a prayer to pray for her. I would do that from then on when Emma cried, it made such a huge difference! I can remember walking around after Aaron and I had gotten married, just holding Emma with my hands on her and singing worship songs and praying for her. I did the same thing a few weeks ago for Hope when she was screaming one night and I couldn't seem to calm her down. That was also the first night Hope slept through the night :) One of the songs  I use to sing to Emma is one we sang last Saturday. It just brought back such a feeling of calm. Tomorrow may be a whole new day of learning to let go of my unhappiness and sadness and frustration. But for today, I just remember that God DOES give peace, and when I cant find it, its only a season until I get it back again.