Fear

I will say, the last few days definitely threw me for a loop. Its amazing the violence that has occurred in the world. At first I was afraid. I actually almost brought Grace home with me when her teacher told me about Connecticut. Then I heard about China, and several other acts of violence that just made my blood run cold. I felt in the pit of my stomach fear. I made the decision to not add to the media frenzy and I will not repost any information on it. In my personal opinion, all that does is give attention to the horrendous acts that occurred and further traumatize families who simply need to grieve. I also will not blame parents, school, mental health issues, special needs, or anything else other than what this really was. It was an act of evil. I will say it again, this was a  horrible horrible act of evil. We are a world in need of God. Everyone feels it! We all have an aching and a longing and so we try to fill it. We fill it with alcohol, drugs, pornography, violent games and shows. We fill it with sin. And maybe for a short time we feel better. We cover up that ache with sin and darkness, but in that darkness that ache comes back even stronger. There is only one thing that will ever fill that darkness! You can point the finger at the need for gun control, the need for parents to raise their kids better, the need for better mental health options. I will point to my Bible and say here is your answer! We need to shine light in every corner of the darkness that we face! We need to fill that longing and that ache with Jesus, not with sin. Evil is in the world. In my short life I have certainly faced evil many times in my life. I have also cried out to Jesus to save me and He did!

I hope you will call me radical. I hope you will look at me as though I have lost my mind. That means that I am stepping out in my faith and telling you we need Jesus. Its so easy. He is right there with nothing but love and forgiveness! Take that ache we all feel deep inside and see that there is a release from it that is far more satisfying than anything we could ever find on this earth. I am taking that fear I have felt and placing it in God's hands. I will not walk in a public place and fear for my life or anyone else's. I will not fear when I drop my kids off at school. I will certainly hug them close, but no closer than I should hug them everyday. I will place them in God's hands and know that NO evil will touch my children ever. They have been bought and paid for with a price far greater than anything that this world could ever compare to.

My heart breaks as I read the news and see only pain and heartache. I see a world in need of a Savior. I am grateful that I know the ending of this story. I am praying that if you have not had an encounter with God, that you will have one today. I pray for each and every one of you to experience the love that only God can give. It transcends any addiction or worldly need you will have. It is a pure love, one that is not tainted by family problems, or the baggage of our lives. It takes that past and wipes it out! No condemnation, no finger pointing, no buts, and no throwing it in your face. It is a God who waits with open arms to take away your emptiness and fill it with a love that overflows to those around you.

I have seen evil, and I will pray for the families affected by it. I wont feed it though, and I wont fear it. I will stand in the power of a God who has already defeated evil and will continue to defeat it as long as there are people willing to call out to Him. Reach out to Him today and see the fullness that you will feel in your life!

Do you need a miracle?

Then Jesus said to him, Unless you see signs and miracles happen, you [people] never will believe (trust, have faith) at all. John 4: 48

     Do you ever feel like this is you? You want to believe but you just find yourself needing a sign of some sort, just something tangible to give you a reason to continue? I know I have felt that way and I certainly have struggled with it more lately. I see the heartache and frustration around me and it is not easy to continue on! I often wonder when I pray, does God hear me? I struggle with the feeling that I am not as "holy" as other people and so maybe God doesnt hear my prayers as much as other people, or maybe my prayers arent as powerful!

Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world. 1 John 4:1

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Hebrews 13:8

     I often find I have to actively remind myself those thoughts are lies from Satan. Yup, I said it! I believe Satan actively works to bring us down. I have struggled many times in my life with having to tell myself I AM good enough, I AM someone of worth and value. That is absolutely Satan trying to stop me from being an effective worker for the Kingdom of God. Not something I often run around saying, because I dont need affirmation of people, I only need the affirmation of God! I know that my prayers are just as effective as anyone else's, that there is no Holy Meter I have to measure up to before my prayers go to God. 

     So, how do we get past this need to see tangible proof? To be honest, I don't know that I have. The truth is, I HAVE seen those sign and those miracles. I think we all have at some point in our lives. When I feel those moments the most like God is around the least, I sit down and think about the times I HAVE seen miracles. 

And God did unusual and extraordinary miracles by the hands of Paul. Acts 19: 11

     I think we read these scriptures, and think, "yeah God did that back then". Pretty cool, though, God STILL does that! God does extradorinary miracles by my hand and you hand and your neighbors hand! I use to hear about the stories of groceries showing up on people's porches and a part of me was always skeptical, until the day came when diapers showed up on mine, or wipes. Or on a day when we didnt have any money for food, suddenly we had more than enough to get through! 

     We sometimes think to a miracle has to be some HUGE life changing moment. Some of the most life changing moments for me were not huge. One of the greatest moments of my life was sitting in a small chapel at Timber-lee pouring at anger and frustration to God about a hurt my father had caused my mother. In a small quiet instant, I forgave my Dad. If you ask me that was pretty miraculous! Holding my oldest daughter as an infant and being so tired I cant even see straight, crying, and just pleading with God to allow her to sleep, and she did. Any mom will tell you that absolutely is a miracle! 

     Sometimes, the greatest miracle of all is just believing even when you don't feel it. When you have a day like today when its a little harder to believe the good guy will always win. Its a day like today when I can sit here and say, maybe I dont feel like singing from the rooftops, but I still know God is God and He is who He is! Maybe a day like today, I don't feel the miracle, but it might be there after all!

God Rocks :)

God Rocks :) I have to say, while in my head I know that I do not need to worry or stress or fear anything because I have a God who will protect me, take care of me, and make my life way more and way better than I could ever do, that doesn't mean my heart felt it. Have you heard the phrase, fake it till you make it? Sometimes in life that is exactly how I feel! I know without a doubt that God is greater than any problem, it doesn't always mean I am running around jumping with smiles on my face. Sure, I have joy in my heart, but not always in the rest of me! The last few weeks have really taken a toll on me! I haven't been sleeping, I am struggling to try to fit in work, kids, a newborn, school, and cleaning my house! I pretty much feel like I have flopped at all of it! I have just felt so overwhelmed and unsure of everything. I feel like I am praying for peace that is just completely out of my reach. I know you have all felt the same way at times too! Ecclesiastes 3:1-9 is by far my favorite section of verses in the Bible. There is a time for everything and everything has its season. It is important to realize when we feel lost and alone that it is just a season. There is a time and purpose for all of it. I have kept on telling myself that, I know it in my heart, but it is just so hard to still walk around and not feel scared to death about whats going to happen next?

Then I had several thoughts today that just brought true smiles to my face and made me say Thank You God!

1. I have a 10 week old baby who has consistenly now slept till 5-7 am for almost a week!

2. All afternoon Grace was able to play without any meltdowns!

3. A big form of assistance we needed not only came through, but came through at 3x what I expected!

4. Hope has gotten on a great schedule and is proving over and over to be a very easy baby!

5. My husband loves me

6. God loves me!

7. I have a church family and friends! Not just friends that are casual friends, but real ones I call to tell the great and bad things about my life!

8. Emma got to come for the weekend and for the first time in a long time I was able to just spend some one on one time with her! She is an absolute joy, incredibly smart, and the most perfect daughter anyone could ask for!

9. See above and thats all my kids :)

10. Even though Grace is not an easy kid, because of her I have made some amazing friends and connections that allowed me to help other people as well!

And the best of all one yet :) It is easy to allow myself to separate from my emotions. I am quick to put up walls. On Saturday night I was reminded of something very very awesome and a moment in my life where God's presence was SO tangible I could just feel his arms around me!

When Emma was a baby, there was a phase (2ish months although really at the time it felt like forever!) where she would sleep 12 hours at night, but scream ALL day. The crappy thing was.... I was working 3rd shift! I actually would go 2-3 days at a time without getting any sleep. If you know me at all, let me tell you, thats not cool! I just flat out do not handle not getting sleep! I was literally at my wits end and completely ready to lose it. I would call Aaron (who lived in WA at the time) just bawling I was SO tired! I had just begun to attend church with an amazing woman of God who worked at Timber-lee. She really and truly changed my life! She passed away several years ago due to cancer, and I still think of her often! She took me out to lunch after church one Sunday. During the service she had recommended I take her up to the pastor and ask him to lay hands on her and pray for her. Something I had NEVER done, but I did it. Her and another friend were taking turns holding her so I could eat a meal in peace afterwards. I commented that she seemed to relax when Cathy had her and she must have the magic touch. Holly said to me, "Cathy is a prayer warrior, she is praying for Emma." Holly then walked me through a prayer to pray for her. I would do that from then on when Emma cried, it made such a huge difference! I can remember walking around after Aaron and I had gotten married, just holding Emma with my hands on her and singing worship songs and praying for her. I did the same thing a few weeks ago for Hope when she was screaming one night and I couldn't seem to calm her down. That was also the first night Hope slept through the night :) One of the songs  I use to sing to Emma is one we sang last Saturday. It just brought back such a feeling of calm. Tomorrow may be a whole new day of learning to let go of my unhappiness and sadness and frustration. But for today, I just remember that God DOES give peace, and when I cant find it, its only a season until I get it back again.

Breathe in Breathe out, Trust God!

My husband was let go from his job this morning. So here I am sitting with a 6 year old, 3 year old, newborn and we now currently have no income. Insert completely out of control freaking out mom here! My first stop was to walk next door to our church. There are times where you just have to acknowledge you are not in the frame of mind to make a good decision (which for me was walking into where he worked and telling them exactly what I thought of them!). Within a few minutes of talking with them, our pastor was able to recommend a place hiring, and Aaron is waiting to hear a time to set up an interview with them tomorrow. More importantly our pastor and his wife were able to remind me, I need to trust God. Our pastor looked at my 4 week old daughter sleeping in my arms and said, that is the kind of trust I need to have, just like she has in me. So, I am sitting here taking a step out of my emotions, my anger, and looking at my situation. I can be angry my husband doesn't have a job that caused us a crazy amount of stress, where he was working an insane amount of hours and he was never able to be home with his family, or I can see that this is a blessing. I can trust God because he will never leave or forsake me, and God is who I need to look to for our provision. We've gone through this before. I can tell you, it wasn't pretty when we did it last time. So here is my chance to do it right. I can worry and cry and scream, but it wont change anything. Or I can see that this is an opportunity to see how amazing and faithful God is to us all the time! I have an opportunity to show other people that I do not need to live in fear or worry because God is bigger than that. So that is going to be my choice. I find myself wanting to say, "it wont be easy but...." except I am not going to do that. I am just going to make the decision to step outside my go to response, and simply trust God. So here we are, trusting God and enjoying having my husband home right now!


6-13-12
How amazing is God! Aaron had his interview today. He feels it went really well. We will hear back in a day or two whether he got it or not! Even if he didn't get it. There is a job out there that will be great for him and that will work for our family. So the rest of today is for us to just hang out!