Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
—Isaiah 40:28–31
The holiday season for many people is a wonderful and happy occasion. I often find it to be a time full of what ifs for me. Add in a baby, no sleep, and money stress and you can imagine how the last few weeks have been! I found myself in a funk I just could not seem to climb out of. Was I "depressed" in the sense that I need to go to the Dr and get medication? Absolutely not. I was depressed because I certainly believe Satan has a way of trying to just stomp down on us anytime we might be doing something to further the kingdom of God. Since June, my husband and I have found ourselves in a time of change. With the loss of his job we realized we had the ability to find that calling we felt God had for us and a way to make a change in our lives. Instead of living for the job, we were given the chance to just live! Of course, like any change that brings about good there is the enemy waiting to stop that change. It was easy at first to not worry or stress about everything, but as time went on, it became hard. Its easy in the beginning to spout faith and trust in God. Its over the long haul when that faith and trust gets tested that you truly find where your heart is. I would love to say mine has not wavered unfortunately it would be more accurate to say mine took a dive straight to the bottom! I allowed fears over money, frustrations with my husband, stressors with my kids, and problems with my extended family to consume me. I listened to the lies that Satan was telling me that husband does not love me, that we were not going to make our bills, that my husband did not really even want to find a job. I was asked last week, what is God calling YOU to do? Its is such a simple question, but it really made me realize a lot of things. The first one was that I cannot remember EVER being asked that question before! My immediate answer was camping. Aaron and I have both always had a heart for camping and it is definitely where our passions are. I really thought about that after our friend left. The reality is that yes I love camping and I absolutely have a strong passion for it, but its not necessarily the camping that is calling it is working with people. I often have felt that I have a gift working with people and one that I have struggled with, although that is a whole different story!
To make this very long story at least a little shorter, I have realized that when you open yourself up to helping people, you also open yourself up to many emotions. After having gone through some pretty emotional times in my life there are certain emotional situations I have found that I have simply slammed the door shut on. While that is great to stop from feeling the bad, it also stops a lot of the good too. There have been many situations I know I could have stepped in and helped someone out but I shied away from it because I just did not want to go there.
So what changed? What magic moment opened my eyes to a lot of truths I have been struggling to accept? It would be great to say there was this sudden life altering moment that changed everything for me. God does not always work that way though. It was a process. It was head knowledge being learned, and slowly and surely heart knowledge being learned as well. I have a great pastor who I have learned lots from since we have started attending our church. His wife has also been a wonderful help and great advice giver multiple times. I grew up in a very different type of church than I attend now. Neither one is bad, they are just very different. I tend to be much more conservative, but the more I have learned in the last 7 years of my life the more I have realized the radical love of Jesus, and the radical love I have for Him! I have been amazingly blessed in all the places we have lived to find churches that LOVE GOD! It has not been an overnight process, and it certainly is not finished yet, but I feel like I have just finally found some answers.
So let me try to get where I am going with this! I could go on and on for pages if I let myself (since anyone who knows me knows I HATE to talk ;). I was driving to Portage yesterday to pick up Emma. I was tired of Christmas music and flipping through stations. I found a father giving a mass. He was very entertaining to listen to, and had a LOT of great things to say. I found I was really enjoying what he said. Then he came to point of his sermon, why confession was necessary. He painted a beautiful picture of our need for a Savior and the unending love Jesus has for us. Then he began to talk about how if we were to die and had not had the chance to go to confession, certainly Jesus would still forgive us, but that the way it was meant to happen was for us to go to confession and the priest would grant us forgiveness through the power given to him by God. True forgiveness then occurred when we had repented of our sin. All I could think was I do not need anyone else to grant my forgiveness, it has already been given to me! The only intercessor we will EVER need in our lives is Jesus. The Bible is incredibly clear on this point. It got me to start thinking about how much my thinking had truly changed. As the father went on he made a comment, " I dont say this to make you feel guilty, well actually, yes I do a little". That statement just blew me away. Doesnt he know? There is NO GUILT in Christ! Our sins are forgiven!! Everyone has been given that forgiveness freely and they need no one but Jesus Christ to receive that! We are all of worth and Jesus not only loves each of us, he longs and yearns to have that relationship with us! We have a God who will heal us, who will restore us, who will restore broken homes and relationships. Miracles didnt happen only 2,000 years ago, they happen today! I have spoken to so many people who have no idea what it means to ask God to be healed! There are so many people who have no clue that God is in control not us! I forget this often myself, I think its always easier to see this in other people that in yourself. There is a situation I am dealing with where I was told there was no way it would happen. The immediate thought in my head was with God, ANYTHING can happen! Why do we limit ourselves and limit God? Why do we assume we cant do something or we are doing "good enough" and should not look for more?
I have allowed other people and the fears of how other people will react to keep me from pursuing my dreams. I have allowed the lies of what other people perceive I need to be doing to control my life. I have three beautiful children who I love to death, but I have allowed my job as a mom to take over my life. I absolutely need to care for my kids and raise them, but that does not mean I cannot have a life outside of that also. How can I teach my kids to be strong independent women when I am not showing them in my own life to follow your dreams! So out of this whole rant what have I learned?
I need to stop limiting God, and I need to stop limiting me! God will provide me with the energy, abilities, and opportunities to follow what He has in store for me. I just need to have faith and trust. That is a pretty big just, but really once you just let go and let God take it, your eyes are opened to a whole new world and a whole new light! Where you saw people offending you and nitpicking at you, you see a person who is loved by God and who needs to be loved by you. You realize its not you they are attacking, they have their own demons they are fighting just like we have our own. All we need to do is show them, their fight has already been won, they just need to accept the win!
