Fear

I will say, the last few days definitely threw me for a loop. Its amazing the violence that has occurred in the world. At first I was afraid. I actually almost brought Grace home with me when her teacher told me about Connecticut. Then I heard about China, and several other acts of violence that just made my blood run cold. I felt in the pit of my stomach fear. I made the decision to not add to the media frenzy and I will not repost any information on it. In my personal opinion, all that does is give attention to the horrendous acts that occurred and further traumatize families who simply need to grieve. I also will not blame parents, school, mental health issues, special needs, or anything else other than what this really was. It was an act of evil. I will say it again, this was a  horrible horrible act of evil. We are a world in need of God. Everyone feels it! We all have an aching and a longing and so we try to fill it. We fill it with alcohol, drugs, pornography, violent games and shows. We fill it with sin. And maybe for a short time we feel better. We cover up that ache with sin and darkness, but in that darkness that ache comes back even stronger. There is only one thing that will ever fill that darkness! You can point the finger at the need for gun control, the need for parents to raise their kids better, the need for better mental health options. I will point to my Bible and say here is your answer! We need to shine light in every corner of the darkness that we face! We need to fill that longing and that ache with Jesus, not with sin. Evil is in the world. In my short life I have certainly faced evil many times in my life. I have also cried out to Jesus to save me and He did!

I hope you will call me radical. I hope you will look at me as though I have lost my mind. That means that I am stepping out in my faith and telling you we need Jesus. Its so easy. He is right there with nothing but love and forgiveness! Take that ache we all feel deep inside and see that there is a release from it that is far more satisfying than anything we could ever find on this earth. I am taking that fear I have felt and placing it in God's hands. I will not walk in a public place and fear for my life or anyone else's. I will not fear when I drop my kids off at school. I will certainly hug them close, but no closer than I should hug them everyday. I will place them in God's hands and know that NO evil will touch my children ever. They have been bought and paid for with a price far greater than anything that this world could ever compare to.

My heart breaks as I read the news and see only pain and heartache. I see a world in need of a Savior. I am grateful that I know the ending of this story. I am praying that if you have not had an encounter with God, that you will have one today. I pray for each and every one of you to experience the love that only God can give. It transcends any addiction or worldly need you will have. It is a pure love, one that is not tainted by family problems, or the baggage of our lives. It takes that past and wipes it out! No condemnation, no finger pointing, no buts, and no throwing it in your face. It is a God who waits with open arms to take away your emptiness and fill it with a love that overflows to those around you.

I have seen evil, and I will pray for the families affected by it. I wont feed it though, and I wont fear it. I will stand in the power of a God who has already defeated evil and will continue to defeat it as long as there are people willing to call out to Him. Reach out to Him today and see the fullness that you will feel in your life!

Thanksgiving and Christmas thoughts

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

—Isaiah 40:28–31

     The holiday season for many people is a wonderful and happy occasion. I often find it to be a time full of what ifs for me. Add in a baby, no sleep, and money stress and you can imagine how the last few weeks have been! I found myself in a funk I just could not seem to climb out of. Was I "depressed" in the sense that I need to go to the Dr and get medication? Absolutely not. I was depressed because I certainly believe Satan has a way of trying to just stomp down on us anytime we might be doing something to further the kingdom of God. Since June, my husband and I have found ourselves in a time of change. With the loss of his job we realized we had the ability to find that calling we felt God had for us and a way to make a change in our lives. Instead of living for the job, we were given the chance to just live! Of course, like any change that brings about good there is the enemy waiting to stop that change. It was easy at first to not worry or stress about everything, but as time went on, it became hard. Its easy in the beginning to spout faith and trust in God. Its over the long haul when that faith and trust gets tested that you truly find where your heart is. I would love to say mine has not wavered  unfortunately it would be more accurate to say mine took a dive straight to the bottom! I allowed fears over money, frustrations with my husband, stressors with my kids, and problems with my extended family to consume me. I listened to the lies that Satan was telling me that husband does not love me, that we were not going to make our bills, that my husband did not really even want to find a job. I was asked last week, what is God calling YOU to do? Its is such a simple question, but it really made me realize a lot of things. The first one was that I cannot remember EVER being asked that question before! My immediate answer was camping. Aaron and I have both always had a heart for camping and it is definitely where our passions are. I really thought about that after our friend left. The reality is that yes I love camping and I absolutely have a strong passion for it, but its not necessarily the camping that is calling it is working with people. I often have felt that I have a gift working with people and one that I have struggled with, although that is a whole different story!

To make this very long story at least a little shorter, I have realized that when you open yourself up to helping people, you also open yourself up to many emotions. After having gone through some pretty emotional times in my life there are certain emotional situations I have found that I have simply slammed the door shut on. While that is great to stop from feeling the bad, it also stops a lot of the good too. There have been many situations I know I could have stepped in and helped someone out but I shied away from it because I just did not want to go there. 

So what changed? What magic moment opened my eyes to a lot of truths I have been struggling to accept? It would be great to say there was this sudden life altering moment that changed everything for me. God does not always work that way though. It was a process. It was head knowledge being learned, and slowly and surely heart knowledge being learned as well. I have a great pastor who I have learned lots from since we have started attending our church. His wife has also been a wonderful help and great advice giver multiple times. I grew up in a very different type of church than I attend now. Neither one is bad, they are just very different. I tend to be much more conservative, but the more I have learned in the last 7 years of my life the more I have realized the radical love of Jesus, and the radical love I have for Him! I have been amazingly blessed in all the places we have lived to find churches that LOVE GOD! It has not been an overnight process, and it certainly is not finished yet, but I feel like I have just finally found some answers. 

So let me try to get where I am going with this! I could go on and on for pages if I let myself (since anyone who knows me knows I HATE to talk ;). I was driving to Portage yesterday to pick up Emma. I was tired of Christmas music and flipping through stations. I found a father giving a mass. He was very entertaining to listen to, and had a LOT of great things to say. I found I was really enjoying what he said. Then he came to point of his sermon, why confession was necessary. He painted a beautiful picture of our need for a Savior and the unending love Jesus has for us. Then he began to talk about how if we were to die and had not had the chance to go to confession, certainly Jesus would still forgive us, but that the way it was meant to happen was for us to go to confession and the priest would grant us forgiveness through the power given to him by God. True forgiveness then occurred when we had repented of our sin. All I could think was I do not need anyone else to grant my forgiveness, it has already been given to me! The only intercessor we will EVER need in our lives is Jesus. The Bible is incredibly clear on this point. It got me to start thinking about how much my thinking had truly changed. As the father went on he made a comment, " I dont say this to make you feel guilty, well actually, yes I do a little". That statement just blew me away. Doesnt he know? There is NO GUILT in Christ! Our sins are forgiven!! Everyone has been given that forgiveness freely and they need no one but Jesus Christ to receive that! We are all of worth and Jesus not only loves each of us, he longs and yearns to have that relationship with us! We have a God who will heal us, who will restore us, who will restore broken homes and relationships. Miracles didnt happen only 2,000 years ago, they happen today! I have spoken to so many people who have no idea what it means to ask God to be healed! There are so many people who have no clue that God is in control not us! I forget this often myself, I think its always easier to see this in other people that in yourself. There is a situation I am dealing with where I was told there was no way it would happen. The immediate thought in my head was with God, ANYTHING can happen! Why do we limit ourselves and limit God? Why do we assume we cant do something or we are doing "good enough" and should not look for more? 

I have allowed other people and the fears of how other people will react to keep me from pursuing my dreams. I have allowed the lies of what other people perceive I need to be doing to control my life. I have three beautiful children who I love to death, but I have allowed my job as a mom to take over my life. I absolutely need to care for my kids and raise them, but that does not mean I cannot have a life outside of that also. How can I teach my kids to be strong independent women when I am not showing them in my own life to follow your dreams! So out of this whole rant what have I learned? 

I need to stop limiting God, and I need to stop limiting me! God will provide me with the energy, abilities, and opportunities to follow what He has in store for me. I just need to have faith and trust. That is a pretty big just, but really once you just let go and let God take it, your eyes are opened to a whole new world and a whole new light! Where you saw people offending you and nitpicking at you, you see a person who is loved by God and who needs to be loved by you. You realize its not you they are attacking, they have their own demons they are fighting just like we have our own. All we need to do is show them, their fight has already been won, they just need to accept the win! 

Postpartum Depression

     Hope turned 5 months on October 10th! I can't believe HOW fast the last 5 months have flown by! I love her like crazy! She is SO easy and laid back and such a joy to have. I am so happy we decided to have her :) After having her I began to realize that my energy was just not bouncing back like it had with the other two. I have been so beyond normal Mommy tiredness. My hair has been falling out like crazy (much beyond what is normal post partum), my joints have been aching. I kept attributing it to trying to adjust to a 3rd kid in the house. That was until I began to notice things like, walking out the room and not remembering why ALL THE TIME! I was feeling confused and very very scattered all the time. I was finding myself paranoid constantly that I would leave Hope somewhere to the point I began to obsessively check on her all the time. Then I began to need to check on her at night too. One of my greatest skills has been my ability to multi-task, but that became non-existent. By the end of the day I could NOT get up off the couch. Then it began to be earlier and earlier in the day. I was an emotional wreck! I just knew that something was wrong. I had just had a baby so you get 3 guesses everyone's answer to me, "oh you must have postpartum depression". I called my Dr who is wonderful and right away she ordered some tests for me to see what was going on. It turns out I am having a thyroid issue that is a postpartum issue (but NOT postpartum depression). That got me to thinking about how often do we as women get our issues blown off due to "common issues"? So I did some research and would like to share with you what I learned! For now I want to touch on the difference between baby blue and postpartum depression (ppd).

Most mom's get a little case of the baby blues when they have a child. It is a MAJOR life event and a MAJOR change on your body! Your hormones are all out of control, you arent sleeping, you just went through a process that took your body 9 months to prepare for! So what kinds of signs are normal? Here is a list:

• Mood swings
• Anxiety
• Sadness
• Irritability
• Crying
• Decreased concentration
• Trouble sleeping

 It is normal for these to last anywhere from a few days to several weeks. Your body is going through a lot of changes and so are your emotions. Whether this is your first baby or you tenth, you need to allow your body to readjust to a whole new life! So when do you need to worry? Here is a list of symptoms of ppd:

• Loss of appetite
• Insomnia
• Intense irritability and anger
• Overwhelming fatigue
• Loss of interest in sex
• Lack of joy in life
• Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy
• Severe mood swings
• Difficulty bonding with your baby
• Withdrawal from family and friends
• Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby

If you find yourself experiencing these symptoms at any time (within the first few days, weeks or months) then you need to seek help. Talk to your Dr., spouse, friend, anyone. PPD is not just an emotional illness but can also be a physical one as well. There is never any shame in asking for help!

The media went through a phase making PPD the "fad" illness for a while, and we can all recall a story of a Mom doing something unspeakable and blaming PPD on it. I feel like the media does the medical field a HUGE disservice by doing this. It takes what is a very real struggle for women and puts a stigma on it. It is important if you are a spouse of a woman who recently had a baby that you also watch for these signs. If a woman is experiencing PPD she will likely not feel strong enough to seek help and its important you are strong enough for her!

It is also important for women to be their own advocates! If you feel like there is something wrong, dont stop looking and asking! I have called my Dr and the specialist I saw multiple times and every time even though I may not like the answer, I have NEVER been made to feel I was bothering them and I have never been treated like I was making anything up! For more information on Postpartum Depression check out this great article by Mayo Clinic!

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/postpartum-depression/DS00546

Symptoms were retrieved from the above website.

Do you need a miracle?

Then Jesus said to him, Unless you see signs and miracles happen, you [people] never will believe (trust, have faith) at all. John 4: 48

     Do you ever feel like this is you? You want to believe but you just find yourself needing a sign of some sort, just something tangible to give you a reason to continue? I know I have felt that way and I certainly have struggled with it more lately. I see the heartache and frustration around me and it is not easy to continue on! I often wonder when I pray, does God hear me? I struggle with the feeling that I am not as "holy" as other people and so maybe God doesnt hear my prayers as much as other people, or maybe my prayers arent as powerful!

Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world. 1 John 4:1

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Hebrews 13:8

     I often find I have to actively remind myself those thoughts are lies from Satan. Yup, I said it! I believe Satan actively works to bring us down. I have struggled many times in my life with having to tell myself I AM good enough, I AM someone of worth and value. That is absolutely Satan trying to stop me from being an effective worker for the Kingdom of God. Not something I often run around saying, because I dont need affirmation of people, I only need the affirmation of God! I know that my prayers are just as effective as anyone else's, that there is no Holy Meter I have to measure up to before my prayers go to God. 

     So, how do we get past this need to see tangible proof? To be honest, I don't know that I have. The truth is, I HAVE seen those sign and those miracles. I think we all have at some point in our lives. When I feel those moments the most like God is around the least, I sit down and think about the times I HAVE seen miracles. 

And God did unusual and extraordinary miracles by the hands of Paul. Acts 19: 11

     I think we read these scriptures, and think, "yeah God did that back then". Pretty cool, though, God STILL does that! God does extradorinary miracles by my hand and you hand and your neighbors hand! I use to hear about the stories of groceries showing up on people's porches and a part of me was always skeptical, until the day came when diapers showed up on mine, or wipes. Or on a day when we didnt have any money for food, suddenly we had more than enough to get through! 

     We sometimes think to a miracle has to be some HUGE life changing moment. Some of the most life changing moments for me were not huge. One of the greatest moments of my life was sitting in a small chapel at Timber-lee pouring at anger and frustration to God about a hurt my father had caused my mother. In a small quiet instant, I forgave my Dad. If you ask me that was pretty miraculous! Holding my oldest daughter as an infant and being so tired I cant even see straight, crying, and just pleading with God to allow her to sleep, and she did. Any mom will tell you that absolutely is a miracle! 

     Sometimes, the greatest miracle of all is just believing even when you don't feel it. When you have a day like today when its a little harder to believe the good guy will always win. Its a day like today when I can sit here and say, maybe I dont feel like singing from the rooftops, but I still know God is God and He is who He is! Maybe a day like today, I don't feel the miracle, but it might be there after all!

Days 5-6 and a little surprise!

Today has been an amazing day! I had several awesome God moments today I will share in another post. Grace seemed less tired today, she definitely had some off the wall moments! She has been showing an increase in her use of words, but still had some very unprovoked hitting. Overall, I am noticing an improvement in her behavior.

We are still seeing a lot of hyper activity but found out some super interesting news today! Grace has hypothyroidism! It was brought up about 2 months ago that it was a possibility, but she needed to be tested over the course of several weeks (it ended up being one test, another 3 weeks later and a third test 4 weeks after that). The symptoms of that are typically extreme tiredness and just an overall crappy feeling. Because Grace is kind of a unique case, they think she may just react differently to it instead of being tired (although we are now suspecting maybe her over activity may be a result of over tiredness!) and she certainly feels crappy pretty often! My mother has the same problem (no its not genetic because I am adopted!) and was diagnosed at 14. She was able to tell me about how she felt before she got diagnosed herself. I do not yet know how this will interact with the guanfacine, it seems they may clash with each other as each medication does pretty much the complete opposite thing! We will be meeting with a pediatric endocrinologist, but cant get in until October or November! Thankfully, our pediatrician is contacting them to get the information in order to get her started on the medication now instead of having to wait that long! It certainly puts a twist on our trial of guanfacine! We may need to take her off of it so that we are able to see how the thyroid medication affects her and be able to tell which medication is doing what! I am praising God to have found this out because I feel there is a correlation between her heart, GI issues, and this! Thank you Jesus for Dr. Brown who was the first to put these pieces together!!

God Rocks :)

God Rocks :) I have to say, while in my head I know that I do not need to worry or stress or fear anything because I have a God who will protect me, take care of me, and make my life way more and way better than I could ever do, that doesn't mean my heart felt it. Have you heard the phrase, fake it till you make it? Sometimes in life that is exactly how I feel! I know without a doubt that God is greater than any problem, it doesn't always mean I am running around jumping with smiles on my face. Sure, I have joy in my heart, but not always in the rest of me! The last few weeks have really taken a toll on me! I haven't been sleeping, I am struggling to try to fit in work, kids, a newborn, school, and cleaning my house! I pretty much feel like I have flopped at all of it! I have just felt so overwhelmed and unsure of everything. I feel like I am praying for peace that is just completely out of my reach. I know you have all felt the same way at times too! Ecclesiastes 3:1-9 is by far my favorite section of verses in the Bible. There is a time for everything and everything has its season. It is important to realize when we feel lost and alone that it is just a season. There is a time and purpose for all of it. I have kept on telling myself that, I know it in my heart, but it is just so hard to still walk around and not feel scared to death about whats going to happen next?

Then I had several thoughts today that just brought true smiles to my face and made me say Thank You God!

1. I have a 10 week old baby who has consistenly now slept till 5-7 am for almost a week!

2. All afternoon Grace was able to play without any meltdowns!

3. A big form of assistance we needed not only came through, but came through at 3x what I expected!

4. Hope has gotten on a great schedule and is proving over and over to be a very easy baby!

5. My husband loves me

6. God loves me!

7. I have a church family and friends! Not just friends that are casual friends, but real ones I call to tell the great and bad things about my life!

8. Emma got to come for the weekend and for the first time in a long time I was able to just spend some one on one time with her! She is an absolute joy, incredibly smart, and the most perfect daughter anyone could ask for!

9. See above and thats all my kids :)

10. Even though Grace is not an easy kid, because of her I have made some amazing friends and connections that allowed me to help other people as well!

And the best of all one yet :) It is easy to allow myself to separate from my emotions. I am quick to put up walls. On Saturday night I was reminded of something very very awesome and a moment in my life where God's presence was SO tangible I could just feel his arms around me!

When Emma was a baby, there was a phase (2ish months although really at the time it felt like forever!) where she would sleep 12 hours at night, but scream ALL day. The crappy thing was.... I was working 3rd shift! I actually would go 2-3 days at a time without getting any sleep. If you know me at all, let me tell you, thats not cool! I just flat out do not handle not getting sleep! I was literally at my wits end and completely ready to lose it. I would call Aaron (who lived in WA at the time) just bawling I was SO tired! I had just begun to attend church with an amazing woman of God who worked at Timber-lee. She really and truly changed my life! She passed away several years ago due to cancer, and I still think of her often! She took me out to lunch after church one Sunday. During the service she had recommended I take her up to the pastor and ask him to lay hands on her and pray for her. Something I had NEVER done, but I did it. Her and another friend were taking turns holding her so I could eat a meal in peace afterwards. I commented that she seemed to relax when Cathy had her and she must have the magic touch. Holly said to me, "Cathy is a prayer warrior, she is praying for Emma." Holly then walked me through a prayer to pray for her. I would do that from then on when Emma cried, it made such a huge difference! I can remember walking around after Aaron and I had gotten married, just holding Emma with my hands on her and singing worship songs and praying for her. I did the same thing a few weeks ago for Hope when she was screaming one night and I couldn't seem to calm her down. That was also the first night Hope slept through the night :) One of the songs  I use to sing to Emma is one we sang last Saturday. It just brought back such a feeling of calm. Tomorrow may be a whole new day of learning to let go of my unhappiness and sadness and frustration. But for today, I just remember that God DOES give peace, and when I cant find it, its only a season until I get it back again.

Day 4

Ug! Is it Friday yet? Or better yet, is it time for school to start up again?!?!? Grace has been getting up at 6:30 am, we are trying to teach her to come upstairs to our room when she wakes up instead of screaming for us. Its taken her a while to actually do it, and its great she can get herself up now, the downside is she would stay in bed for up to an hour after waking up, now she is up in my bed! She did great this morning letting me go back to sleep while she watched cartoons in our bed (usually she is kicking me and rolling around and telling me to wake up!). Unfortunately, once we were all up and moving it was just one meltdown after another! We have been putting her in her room when she hits or starts to scream. We are trying to stay consistent with that (she is actually starting to stay in her room!). We also began today taking away toys when she throws them and then she has to earn them back with good behavior. Unfortunately by 11:00 she had had every toy within throwing reach taken away from her! Completely unprovoked hitting, obsessing over the computer, tv, chips and gum! None of which she was allowed to have for one reason or another. We finally managed to get some food for lunch into her happily put her in bed! She screamed and cried for almost an hour before going to sleep ( we never did verify if she actually went to sleep!). She woke up as soon as I was home from work, but the afternoon went much better! She was able to play with her playdoh and pick it up and put it away. The same with her Littlest Pet Shop. She was getting angry at part of her littlest pet shop, but when I pointed it out to her she was willing to give me the piece making her mad! She ate dinner, watched some movies finally and we got her in bed at 7:00 and on time for once! She is calmly in bed with her new sippy cup, paci, and listening to music.

She was definitely much more tired today. We are in that in between stage where she doesn't want to nap, but she still kinda needs one. We do go through spurts like this where she doesn't nap very well. I don't push it like I normally would, because come fall she will have to go without a nap due to her school schedule. Having some more structured play time in the afternoon as opposed to the just hang out schedule in the morning made a big difference with her! I do feel she is being more verbal with some of her wants, but I also feel her aggression has not only NOT decreased, but has actually increased! The same with her temper tantrums and meltdowns (there is a very definite difference between the two! All kids have temper tantrums, NOT all kids have full on meltdowns!). We have the option to increase the medication slightly beginning tomorrow, but we are going to keep her where she is at, I think she needs to have more time to adjust to where she is at with it, before we are willing to consider any changes to it. So far, I don't feel like it is doing what we want it to, but I feel like we need to make sure we give it enough time! I have seen some positives the last 4 days! She is accepting a new sippy cup pretty well, language is increasing, going to bed is becoming easier, and she is able to sit and just chill out. The negatives so far are still increased aggression, meltdowns (there is no change in her ability to "regulate" herself), and still a total inability to accept no (she gets fixated on items and cant let them go). She is also definitely more tired than normal, but it is not excessive. Tomorrow we are going to try having more structure to her entire day and see how that goes!

Day 2-3

The morning started out very difficult for Grace! Our internet was not working and so she couldn't watch cartoons on the computer she likes to watch. I will say she did do a good job of telling me why she was upset. She was much more verbal about her frustrations instead of just screaming. I cant say if that was the medication, or she just chose to tell me. She went swimming with her sister in the morning and the two of them had the pool to themselves and loved it! She did still do a lot of hitting throughout the day, and we still had a couple good sized meltdowns. She seemed a little tired today and also was thirsty. Her naps were still normal length. She got very clingy during children's church while we were at church in the evening. That is very unusual for her! She LOVES to go to children's church and normally all through the worship service she asking over and over if it is time to go yet. She played a V-Reader during worship (actually kept her pretty calm and contained!) but then got sad after and wanted me to stay in children's church with her. I was able to sneak out about 10 minutes into it and she was fine. Bedtime was VERY hard as we lost her sippy cup somewhere between our house and church, but again, I did notice while she still got very upset she was much better about verbally telling me why. Tomorrow will be another day!

Since it is about 15 minutes till her bedtime and I just finished our day yesterday, I may as well add today! She had a pretty rough day. Her aggression has actually seemed to increase :( Although she also goes through spurts when she does get more aggressive, and the last few weeks she has been escalating a lot with her behaviors! She was definitely tired today, and that may also contribute to her frustration. Congo has been wanting to be around her when she is upset, but he desperately needs to get some more training in him (which shouldn't be the case had he been trained like he was supposed to have been trained in the first place! That however, is a whole different story!). She fell asleep in the car today, and took a full 2 hour nap at home. I am also seeing an increase in some of her obsessive behaviors. Again to early to tell what from! On a good note (great note even!) she chose not to get another sippy cup like her green one (that cup has been her security and calming tool since she was about 6 months old!!) and instead picked out a totally different cup! She is upset because it "stinks" (which really means it doesn't stink like nasty milk!), but she is so far still using it, we will see what happens at bedtime! She has always preferred latex over silicone, and so this is the first time she is willingly using a silicone sippy cup! That to me is a huge step! Having Emma here this weekend we expected to see a lot more behaviors out of her. I think the big test will be this week and seeing how she does!

Day 1

Well, we have made a huge decision. We decided to try Grace out on some medication and see if it helps her out at all. When she was first diagnosed we were on the fence about her diagnosis. We both felt at 18 months it would be pretty hard to come up with a concrete diagnosis. We did know, however, that something was up. At 22 months we received the same diagnosis from a different evaluation. If you have read my blog then you know our story. One of the first decisions I made was to never go the route of medication. I agree with my husband it quickly becomes a slippery slope. I also know first hand the frustration of being forced to take medication (as a child I was "diagnosed" by a Dr with ADHD and as an adult was tested. When I was tested the Dr. laughed at the idea anyone could have ever said I had it!). I am a firm believer in teaching children to learn to handle their emotions. I have also seen my child regress significantly lately. How can I teach her to handle her anger, when I spend all of every meltdown she has protecting her little sister, and protecting her from herself! I believe we have come to the point where we need to seek more help than what we have been able to provide. After meeting with her behavioralist, whom I have great respect for and feel does an amazing job, he offered us the option of a medication we could try. It is called guanfacine. It is an old blood pressure medication, that is now used for ADHD and other issues. In Grace's case we are hoping it will decrease her aggression and also help to just calm her down a little bit. We are not thinking she has ADHD, she doesnt display the signs of that at all, but we do want her to be able to have a speed other than 110% ALL the time! In general medication for ADHD actually contains a stimulant. This is not an option for her as she has a heart condition that prevents her from taking any sort of a stimulant. I am nervous but prepared to try this option out and see where it takes us!

Today was the first day she took it. It is an incredibly small dose, I have a hard time believing it will even have any affect at all! On the other hand, part of me is very scared to do this because I worry it will change her. Today we did not notice any changes at all other than the fact that she was very thirsty (one common side effect of the drug is that it causes dry mouth). I would expect it to take a couple days before we notice any differences, but I am hoping to record any of her changes. This is a hard step for us to take, one I know a lot of parents struggle with! My goal is to post at least once a day and let you know how this process is going for us, in hopes you can share some feedback on it, or maybe you are in a similiar position, and we can help you out with what we are dealing with!

On a different note, we are waiting on test results from her cardiologist, and GI Dr. Her issues with that will in no way be affected by the drug (we had prior approval from both before taking it!), but it certainly adds another layer to what we are looking at! I look forward to sharing with you tomorrow!

Breathe in Breathe out, Trust God!

My husband was let go from his job this morning. So here I am sitting with a 6 year old, 3 year old, newborn and we now currently have no income. Insert completely out of control freaking out mom here! My first stop was to walk next door to our church. There are times where you just have to acknowledge you are not in the frame of mind to make a good decision (which for me was walking into where he worked and telling them exactly what I thought of them!). Within a few minutes of talking with them, our pastor was able to recommend a place hiring, and Aaron is waiting to hear a time to set up an interview with them tomorrow. More importantly our pastor and his wife were able to remind me, I need to trust God. Our pastor looked at my 4 week old daughter sleeping in my arms and said, that is the kind of trust I need to have, just like she has in me. So, I am sitting here taking a step out of my emotions, my anger, and looking at my situation. I can be angry my husband doesn't have a job that caused us a crazy amount of stress, where he was working an insane amount of hours and he was never able to be home with his family, or I can see that this is a blessing. I can trust God because he will never leave or forsake me, and God is who I need to look to for our provision. We've gone through this before. I can tell you, it wasn't pretty when we did it last time. So here is my chance to do it right. I can worry and cry and scream, but it wont change anything. Or I can see that this is an opportunity to see how amazing and faithful God is to us all the time! I have an opportunity to show other people that I do not need to live in fear or worry because God is bigger than that. So that is going to be my choice. I find myself wanting to say, "it wont be easy but...." except I am not going to do that. I am just going to make the decision to step outside my go to response, and simply trust God. So here we are, trusting God and enjoying having my husband home right now!


6-13-12
How amazing is God! Aaron had his interview today. He feels it went really well. We will hear back in a day or two whether he got it or not! Even if he didn't get it. There is a job out there that will be great for him and that will work for our family. So the rest of today is for us to just hang out!

Introducing Hope Rose Lynn Fiedler!

And here she is! Hope Rose Lynn Fiedler was born 5:28pm on May 10th. She weighed 6lbs 10oz and was 18 1/2 inches long. My water broke about 11:00 am and I started having contractions around 3:00 pm. It took a little while for my contractions to get started, but once they did we didnt waste any time! I went from 3cm to 8cm in about 10 minutes! I had barely enough time for an epidural! They pretty much gave it to me and about 20 minutes later I had her! (it was a REALLY great 20 minutes though! :) It took about 4 pushes and she came right out! Aaron cut the cord (although he was crying so hard I'm surprised he could see it! We will post pictures very soon! I havent had a chance yet to download any from our camera.

I did test positive for Group B Strep. About 1/3 of women test positive for this. It is a type of bacteria that grows in the body and it can be higher at some times than others. It doesn't affect you in any way, but can cause some very serious health problems if the baby gets it in the birth canal. A very small percentage of babies contract it. To prevent any problems to baby, mom is put on antibiotics during labor. I received 1 dose (ideally they want you to receive 2-3 but the one I got was a pretty strong one). After Hope was born she was very lethargic. I didn't even get to see her eyes till the next day! Her blood sugar was also pretty low (37 at one point, they prefer it to be between 50-70). She was having some problems maintaining her body temp as well. They were concerned she had gotten the Group B Strep, so she was tested 2 separate occasions and a neonatoligist was consulted before we were allowed to go home. Both times the test came back negative and once she started eating her blood sugar came right up! We still had a little trouble with her temp the first couple days she was home, but she is doing fine now! The only thing we are still watching is how much she is sleeping. Tomorrow she is 2 weeks, so we should start to see her spending more time awake soon!

On the morning I had her, I woke up with a fever. a couple days before, Emma had been put on antibiotics for possible strep throat. My fever stayed pretty low just around 100 the day I had her and the next day. By the following afternoon my fever was gone. I was of course sore and achey so they kept me on ibuprofen to help with that. Turns out the ibuprofen was also keeping my fever down! I had to stay a full 48 hours so they could keep an eye on Hope, but I was allowed to go home Saturday evening. I headed to church later that evening to see a really neat speaker we had coming (we live right next door to our church so Grandma was able to stay home with Hope). While at church the last dose of ibuprofen I had taken wore off. I began to shake from head to toe (at the hospital they had just chalked this up to hormones), my teeth were even chattering! I had major body aches and was coughing (let me tell you, coughing right after giving birth is really uncool!!) pretty badly. I was just laying in bed crying I felt so awful (NOT a normal reaction for me!). I took my temp and it was 101.5. I called the on call nurse who sent me in to the ER. By now it was after 10:00 pm! Me, Aaron, and Hope (who would need to eat soon) all headed in. 2 hours later, 2 blood draws, a chest x-ray, a flu test, and a strep test finally showed I had strep throat! That was the only part of my body that didnt hurt!!

The next day Aaron got sick, and about 3 days later, Grace also got sick. Within 1 week our whole family had gotten sick! Thankfully, my mom flew in to help out and she and Hope both stayed healthy (Amen!). I dont know what I would have done if my mom had not come! We were getting Hope weighed every couple days until she started to gain weight back. (as of Monday she had gained 5 ounces! She was 6lbs 1 oz when we came home) The first week we pretty much spent recovering from all of us being sick and making trips in to get her weighed and checked out!

Slowly but surely I am finally working towards getting into a routine! My mom headed home this past Monday, so the last 3 days its been me and the girls. Emma and Grace both LOVE their little sister! They have done very well respecting the boundaries and they love to sit and hold her and talk to her. Emma has been through this before and is a HUGE help to me! Grace is doing well helping with getting diapers and wipes and "watches" Hope for us in the car.

It is definitely an adjustment trying to fit in nursing and errands and running kids to and from school etc. Our church has blessed us immensely with a wonderful shower (another blog post for another day!), and have been providing meals for us as well. I can even begin to describe what a HUGE help that has been! Mealtimes are a difficult time for us with Grace. It is usually the hardest part of the day for us. With the craziness of me cooking, Emma just home from school etc it is the perfect setting for Grace to have a major meltdown. With people bringing us meals, it has been MUCH easier trying to get through this time of the day with Emma and Grace and trying to balance nursing Hope. Its amazing how your life entirely revolves around nursing when you have a newborn! I am looking forward to getting her on a schedule in the next couple weeks! I have had to feed her every 2 hours to try to get her to establish a routine of eating and to put some weight on her! Now that she is nursing fairly well and gaining weight I can start to stretch that out and hopefully get her on a schedule! Check back soon to see the pictures, I think she's pretty cute! :)

To wait.... or to induce!

I am 37 weeks pregnant with my 3rd daughter! My OB feels I could go into labor anytime. We do have an induction scheduled for 38 weeks. This will be my second time being induced and I am thrilled with it! I went into labor naturally with my first daughter at 38 weeks. I had a relatively quick labor and only pushed for about 45 minutes with her. With my second daughter I was induced at 38 weeks. My parents live across the country from us and being induced allowed them to plan to come out and help me. I was a full-time student at the time as well and it also allowed me to plan for time off of school, as well as work. I LOVED being induced! I went in about 6:00 am that day, they broke my water and started my pitocin between 7:30-8 am and my second daughter was born at 12:07pm after 2 pushes (OK I'm bragging a little here!)!!! I had an epidural with my first and while I had one with my second, unfortunately, it didn't work. I will absolutely say I feel my second labor was much quicker and less painful. I have also never talked to another mom who had a positive experience with being induced! I am sure you are out there somewhere! Now that I have 2 kids (one who takes a lot more time and work than the other) it is wonderful to know that I don't have to worry about going into labor and not having anyone around to help. I am thrilled to know my mom is flying out and will be able to take care of the girls for me while I am in labor. What are your thoughts on it? Have you ever been induced and would you do it again?


We have also decided to not have visitors while we are at the hospital. What was your plan for your hospital stays? We have had an outbreak of pertussis in our area, and while I normally do not feel the need to seclude my kids as infants, this one is widespread enough I feel the need to take a few extra precautions! We have never lived in an area where there were a lot of people to visit us when I had my other two girls so it was never an issue before! I also stayed in the hospital for barely 24 hours after having my second daughter. We have lived where we are for 2 years and I really feel like we have found our home. We have made many friends and ties in our area! I LOVE knowing we have a place we fit in, but at the same time definitely want to take as much advantage of my ability to sleep while in the hospital! It isn't very common for me to have to much downtime. Between work, school, and kids I am usually pretty busy! Add to that we recently acquired a service dog for one of my daughters, and I wouldn't mind just going to the hospital and sleeping from now till she is born!! Did you have a lot of visitors when you were in the hospital?


I cant wait to announce to you when little Miss Hope makes her entrance to the world! We are very excited to meet her, and she is dancing all over in my tummy, so hopefully she is almost ready to come out too!

Garage Sale finds

 The last couple weeks I have started to really stress about getting everything ready for the baby! I realized that I had very little clothes left from my other two daughters, and what I do have is not the right season! I saw several signs for garage sales yesterday, so today I went investigating! Hallelujah! I found TONS of clothes! I even found bassinet sheets, hats, socks, fleece blankets, wraps, onesies, and more!

One of the most frustrating things I have dealt with is that the ONLY new purchase I wanted to make was a Sit N Stand stroller! Everywhere I looked I either could not find one I liked, or if I found one I liked it was to expensive! It was the only new purchase I wanted, and I was getting really upset I couldn't find one! The first stop I made had a Joovy brand stroller exactly what I was looking for! Even mine and my husbands favorite color! To buy this new would have been close to $250! I was able to purchase it in new condition for $70! 

Having kids nowadays has gotten much cheaper than it use to be with garage sales and second hand stores. When I had my first daughter I bought very little new clothes, I was able to find great deals at a second hand store in our town. I nursed my second daughter and was thrilled with how much cheaper it was to avoid the cost and time of bottles and formula! I am looking forward to even making my own baby food thanks to the Baby Bullet my parents got me! What are your tips for cutting costs when having kids?

Welcome back to ME!

Hello! I have not posted in a long time! We made the rather difficult decision to get rid of our internet for quite a while, and yesterday we FINALLY got it back again! I am so excited to have it back! There are so many fun blog ideas I have had lately! I look forward to finally being able to share them again! Ill try not to overwhelm everyone with them! Please follow me if you havent yet, I look forward to hearing from you as well!